It’s not until you’re older .

It’s not until you get older that you realize how important family is to you. It’s not until you’re crying after a long night of no sleep and stomach aches that you just want your mother there to make it all better. It’s not until you’re older that you realize everything your parents ever did was and is for you to have a better life. It’s dad calling to say ” I Miss you Stephanie, Please come home. ” That you start having mixed emotions about what the hell you’re doing.

One day, you’re going to wake up and ask yourself “who am I”? It’s a powerful question . Are you still the little girl your parents raised to be bright and follow her heart ? Are you still the teenager who never wanted to be home because your friends ruled the world? Or are you the woman your parents raised knowing “She’ll do just fine when the day comes that she’s on her own.”

What if i’m not .. You know .. fine?

What if i’m not even ” Just okay “?

Is it okay to fall apart and break down ? Does it mean you’ve lost grip of what you’re even doing anymore? Or does it simply mean , you’re officially an adult with responsibilities and you simply have no help in arms reach.

When I graduated , I wanted to go straight to college. Let’s just say life happened. I met someone and I left the nest. From there, everything changed. My state of my mind , my responsibilities  , my strength . Everything . God knows this more than anyone , I do not regret the woman I have become. If my parents didn’t want me to leave, I had to. I have figured out who I am as a woman on my own. I have learned to fight battles I never thought i’d come across , and I wouldn’t let my mistakes or errors that I’ve made change the woman I am today.

 

 

I am hated by a lot of people in my life,  in my new “life” that I made for myself . Now more than ever is when I think back to elementary school , when my parents would say ” Bullies will be bullies, just stand up for yourself and don’t trust anyone. ” But , it was just grade school so nobody actually acted on the words.                                                                                         Then middle school came and the first day arrived and all I remember was being so tiny compared to the rest of the kids and I feared the sh*t out of my life. Of course the bullies found me there too. They would take my sweaters and things I loved but eventually I realized those things can be replaced.                                                                                          High school came and the bullies only got worse. They skipped right over the sweater stealing and name calling and they went straight for my face. 4 of them to be exact. I don’t know all the names, because it wasn’t anybody I actually knew. They could do that, because you know, its high school. Kids felt obligated to prove themselves to their friends there. Sometimes getting physical was how they did so half the time.

Finally. Came junior year, and eventually senior year . At this point I realized school isn’t all about friends, pep rally’s and coloring your face for football games. For me, it became almost a must for me to bond with my teachers. They were the only ones who really knew what I was going through without having to ask me, because once upon a time, they were a kid in school. Whether they were the bully or the innocent student who just wanted to get a passing grade and graduate, they’ve lived long enough to reach their goals, and not let their pasts stop them. Graduation day. It was the day I could finally prove myself to my family ” Hey, I’m not a failure “. I Could prove to the bullies ” Hey, I made it, and with a big thanks to you for pushing me to grow stronger .” I was especially proud to prove to myself of all people, that I can reach whatever goal I set out to reach whether it’s with or without friends. I didn’t need ” friends” at this point. I didn’t care for them anymore. I was so focused on being free and never being forced to be somewhere that I don’t feel as if I belong there.

And now I’m here… back in that feeling of life. Back in the mindset of high school, where I don’t want to look anybody in the face anymore because I know they don’t like me, and would love to spit in my face. Bullies don’t disappear, They grow with you . If I’ve learned anything being on my own its that I can only let myself be effected by the things I let destroy me. I came to realization, that there will still be girls who want your life, and people who want to see you fail. More than anything , for myself , my parents , and all of you ( you know , EXACTLY who you are ) I’ve pushed myself to set out to succeed. My new plan of life is to succeed for that growing ” I told you so ” feeling. Whether they want to sit and watch or reach their hands out to help me, I’m going to keep walking tall and keep the trust I have in my heart to do what I want and need to do. I won’t stop to get distracted by people who are only trying to stall me from my success, or sidetrack me into a broken trust-fall again, just so they can successfully watch me fail.. again.

My only question , for myself mostly.. is “Why do I feel so guilty“?                                            Everyday I wake up with an incredible amount of guilt in knots inside me. I can’t pinpoint it but I have a few factors I’ve tried to consider being the case.

Part of me feels guilty, for leaving my family without any notice. For drifting away from them and not giving them an explanation or a “why” as to why we don’t talk everyday anymore. It’s not that they don’t cross my mind everyday, because they do. All of them . Mom, Dad , Sis and the whole rest of the gang. All of you are on my mind and in my heart even if i’m not there to eat dinner with you every night.                                                                          Another piece of me feels guilty for myself. For multiple reasons which include mostly , how I’ve treated people in the past as far out to how I’m doing today and the amount of strength left in me.

At the end of the day, every person has their story. And unless they know your story, and I mean really , really know your story.. They will never understand the things you’ve done and the reasons for your mistakes. Not everybody will understand you, and that’s okay. Just say sorry when need be to the ones that don’t get it, but don’t waste your time explaining yourself to those who, just plain out could careless about you, your feelings, or your success.

 

// excerpt of my story 

one day I will tell it all //

 

 

If anything more then something i’m not .. here is a photo of me, before this unique chapter in my life even started . Here’s to the old me . Here’s to the ecstatic, humorous, selfless old me. Before I begin to better myself.. I will always hold this photo in memory of who I truly am. I promise to myself that no matter what happens, I will always be myself before I begin to think about whose judging me . I never cared before, so why start now?

 

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** P.S. Yes, I am a walking cheeseburger. **

 

 

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Snow Bunnies

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What’s something you hear about a lot ?

 ” Short people problems “

” Thin people problems “

” Shopaholic problems “

Here’s what I find to be Common “White Girl Problems” , for many of us ( yes including myself )

#1 PiNtEReSt oVeRbOaRd

Here’s a big one , especially for me .

If there is any where I refer to for absolutely anything in this world at any given time or place  , It’s Pinterest.

My kitchen looks like I was the founder of mason jars and label guns. From Coffee to Cocoa & Toothpicks to Chip Clips .

My bathroom with the bedroom curtains being used as a shower curtain on a separate shower rod then the shower liner . . for the elegant look. . you know , in a bathroom .

My Bedroom with the typical Christmas mini lights around the mirror

Last but not least my living room with the mason jar on the entertainment center filled with little pieces of paper folded in half each one with 1 out of 50 reasons why I love Jerome. Labeled ” 50 Reasons Why I Love You . ” ( yes made with my convenient labeler )

#EverythingCanBeImproved


#2 Do You Take Debit ?

The serious SERIOUS desire to eat an entire box of Girl Scout Cookies the second you step outside your car at Wal-Mart and there’s a colorful beautifully stacked hundred count of cookie boxes made from yours truly , Girl Scouts. ” Hi do you take debit card ” ? . ” No . Sorry . “

#TheExtremeDissapointment


#3 Wheres My BEAR ?!!!

Here’s one that relates to the problems I have been running away from for months now . .

I have a weird desire for my fiance to buy me a huge stuffed animal . I tell him its so I can hold it and lay with it when he isn’t home but really it’s because i’m strangely excited about the thought of having a stuffed animal the same exact size as me . He kepts taking me as a joke and telling me i’m a weirdo and calling me crazy.

” Baby , will you buy me the huge bear? They’re on sale right now! “

” You know what else is on sale ? THIS D !! “

And the joking begins and desire for the bear is gone again , farewell until next time.

#BearyUpsetting


#4 Elsa or Innocent ?

Alright so just recently ( about two or three weeks ago ) I finally got my hair an acceptable color blonde . Because of the fact that I already have blue eyes , I Now look like the ultimate white girl , just slap on my north face and ugg boots and I’m your lady . The problem with this is when you braid your hair , boom ! you are now Elsa from Frozen and will be reminded all day by every child that sees you .

#ElsaIsThatYou ?

#5 ” Wait , its another sale ! “

I do this , a lot . My poor fiance will be trying to talk to me or get me to do something or even just trying for my attention and after five seconds of watching TV together I’m already on a website adding things to my cart .
” But babe the sale ends in 2 hours and its 10% off shipping !  “

At that moment of word release , I realized I have a serious addiction to online shopping. Whether it costs 2$ or 50$ if I’m online the shopping experience is way more dangerous and harmful to my wallet and / or bank account .

#ItemAddedToCart

#CheckoutNowForXtraPromo

Throwback Thursday 

c4c67bce6a1ae69fe04701a7294ee3c6I started drinking Dunkin Donuts Mint Hot Chocolate again since winter is around the corner and cold weather is creeping up .

The second I took my first sip and it hit my throat , i instantly remembered all the times I’d drink it whenever I was at the boys and girls club and it was freezing out . Whether it was staying over night with the keystoners for sleepovers with the Children, or going to a seminar , or even a sports game .

Everything.. it all flashed back . What used to be my life , all through my senses and suddenly I missed those people and then I realized there’s a reason the past is in the past and the present is where I am now .

Forever grateful for all the memories I’ve had with my boys and girls club family but even more grateful to have landed in the arms of the man I’m engaged to .

Just a flash from the past for ya 👋🏼

Too short.

tumblr_moxav03iva1r0ii93o1_500Life is too short to take things for granted. Life is too short to get mad at the little things. Life is too short in general.

Today my entire perspective changed as I almost lost someone I love so deeply.

Life is a precious thing. It can be taken from anybody at any time . Even the ones you love.

Stop stressing little problems and appreciate the air you breathe while you’re breathing it.

Hit where it hurts.

I can’t pretend like I know where to start when it comes to talking about this so I’m just going to jump right into it.

If there is one thing I had more then anything it’s the heroine and opioid epidemic going around.

Too many of the people that I love strongly are being effected by it.

Just last year I lost my cousin due to an overdose.

My family has been ripped to shreds and I don’t even see my uncles anymore because of it. All three of my uncles are addicts. I get to see them maybe once every six months, if they aren’t back in jail that is. The biggest reason my biological father didn’t raise me or wasn’t in my life as I was growing up is because of the fact that he’s a hard addict. Every body in my family has been in jail under a drug case. Everybody except me and my sisters.

It really hurts me to know that my loved ones have fallen into this trap. I know how hard it is to stop doing something when you’ve been addicted to doing it for so long. I’ve seen too many people die including my own family members, because of this epidemic.

Some things you grow to learn when dealing with family and friends that are addicts is that you have to be understanding. They didn’t choose to be an addict, nobody does. You become addicted to the way something helps you and the way you feel on it, but you never get into it with the intention of being addicted to it. To need and want it when you wake up and to not be able to get by without it because you won’t feel okay after going without your usual dose of whatever your substance of choice is.

Another thing I learned is not to judge. Because of the simple fact that one does not make the choice to become addicted, you can’t judge them for it happening to them.

Addicts need love and compassion. They need to know you don’t hate them regardless of how disgusted you might be with their addictions.

I can’t stand the thought of losing another family member or someone else that I love and if I ever have to go through that again I don’t think I’ll ever look at drugs the same way.

R.i.p. Danielle LeBlanc. You are missed, we love you. ❤️

November 1985 – April 2015