One of those “days”

mouth closed shut

Have you ever been doing something and you suddenly lose interest in the activity? Have you ever woken up in an empty, blank mood that some would consider “On the wrong side of the bed”? If you have depression, odds are you know exactly what I am talking about. If not, you probably have a loved one with these characteristics. Depression is common. Although it is treatable, it is not necessarily curable. It can be treated with medication or talking to a professional. Does this mean it goes away? Absolutely not. Maybe its treated.. but its still there. You will still wake up not knowing how you have made it as far as you did on this earth, but you did it. I am proud of you. I truly am. Depression is not easy to live with and being a part of that category for five years has shown me a completely different view on life then I would not have seen if I had not been diagnosed. There will be days where I will wake up and I don’t even feel like I have control over my own feelings or emotions. I will be in a funk and only very few things can remove me from it. Photography and Writing being two of my go-tos. Not even family or a handful of laughter can remove me from it. But for some reason when I am doing something I have a passion for it brings out the better side of me. There could be a room full of people I love and a bucket of smiles from cheek to cheek, but I’ll be that person. Sitting in the corner with my headphones in and blocking everything out. Not because I don’t want to share laughter with them, But simply because I am not in control of my mood. I wish  I was. Nothing means more to me then seeing how happy the people I love are and seeing smiles on their faces. Its not by choice and it truly sucks but I have ruined many “could’ve” been memories this way. The only thing  I can say to them all is I’m sorry, and thank you. Thank you to my family and my close friends who have understood that It isn’t a desire of mine to block them out, and I’m sorry. I am sorry for my bad vibe. I am sorry I couldn’t laugh with you and share smiles. I’m sorry. I  Don’t know why I’m like this, I just am. I am grateful to have over come as much as I have, for it used to be more then half the week that I would be this way, now I just have “my days”. It isn’t as often, but when it does happen, Its amazing to have such understanding people in my life that know it isn’t them, its me. It isn’t because I don’t enjoy your presence, I just can’t shake it. I am sorry. And to everybody who has been or is in the same boat, you know, with depression. . Don’t give up. It gets better. I feel myself enjoying life more and more everyday. I can feel the happiness coming back to life inside of me. I can see the sunshine that I was missing for so long, whether its because I have found somebody who brings out an amazing glow in me, or because I have finally built enough strength to stop letting things deteriorate my mind body and soul. I am healthy and I am happy. I have my days, but slowly and surely I have become less and less depressed. Life goes on. The disease doesn’t exactly disappear but it does get better. I got the help I needed, and five years later I am in a truly better place. Don’t lose hope, things will get better.
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Go F*** Yourselves.

Isn’t it crazy? I think it’s bizarre. It is absolutely insane actually.

How can somebody you have built a friendship or relationship with just pretend like you don’t exist anymore? It makes you wonder if you were ever of any importance to them. It leaves so many questions. . Where did things go wrong? What happened to “Forever until the end”? I mean, who knew the end was so near? Am I right?

I’d love more then anything to say that everything happens for a reason in this blog post, but that is probably the only time I will mention it and I will end that thought with saying I do not what-so-ever understand what the reason for this kind of thing is.

How can somebody who you talked to, for every minute of every day, somebody whom you shared your bad days and good with. . just pretend like you were never special to them like they were to you?

I just have so many questions. I seek so many answers. So, to all of those “best friends” I thought I had, To all of those “I will always be here for you” phonies, and ESPECIALLY to all of those corny ass cliche abusers let me ask you this. . Are you satisfied?

No , seriously . Did you get what you came for? Are you thrilled that the act of faking our friendship is finally over, so you can be all about your own selfish life now? Was I not good enough to be kept around? To try a little harder to stay close with? Or do I just not have the qualities you seek in a person to play a role in your life? I could ask the same thing in so many different forms but I guess the question I seek an answer to is ” Why ” ?

Why am I, the one who is always trying to put a smile on everybody elses face, the one who is constantly worrying about other peoples health and mental status, the one who cherishes every moment of life I live with my friends and family, Seeking answers from people who clearly aren’t worrying about how I am anymore? I still show that I care for you. . I still ask you how you are doing . . ? Why can’t you ever ask me? Why must I chase down the people who have made it very clear to me that I don’t matter anymore and that they genuinely don’t care what goes on in my life?

It makes absolutely no sense at all to me. Every now and then I will break down. I’ll have an episode or two about what used to be with certain people that at this current point in my life I no longer have contact with. I can’t hide the fact that I miss you guys. I can’t hide the fact that I miss having that lady best friend to get my nails done with, or to gossip with about the boy I’m head over heels for. I miss having someone that looked to me to brighten their day. I miss having that person to tell me that my ass doesn’t look good in the photo I just posted, or even the opposite. I miss the ” Go bestfriend, thats my bestfriend” and the “My bestfriend is SLAYING” comments. Or going on facebook and seeing all of the stupid things I am tagged in because somebody knows me in and out and knows all of the things that are going to make me crack the heck up. I miss the feeling of knowing someone has my back if something happens. I miss having a shoulder to cry on when I’ve had an extremely rough week and things just got ten times worse and my strength is ripped from under me or even someone to talk me through my asthma attacks and have that ability to calm me down. I miss facetiming and laughing for hours over ridiculous shit that isn’t even funny but we’re so over tired that we’d laugh at the sound of a dog barking or a car honking.

You never realize how much somebody can make an impact on your life, until they’re taken from you. I placed all of my happiness into other peoples hands for so long. Now I long to fill that void and I’m sitting here, crying and talking to myself because I don’t have that person . But you know what ? It’s okay. I’ll cry my tears but I promise you I wont reach out to you. I tried so hard to keep you around, and if you didn’t realize that then a big fuck you to you. A big fuck you to those people who I gave my all to who didnt care to fight for me. And a HUGE fuck you to those who don’t ask me how I’m doing anymore because if you haven’t already figured it out, I’m fucking FANTASTIC. You know why? Because I’m learning to over come my obstacles by myself. I’ve learned to increase my strength on my own because when you’ve lost so many people you thought you had, You learn you only have yourself in the end.

Am I saying that I have no one? No. Am I saying I don’t love all of the people I DO have? Incorrect as well. I’d actually like to take a moment and say THANK YOU

Thank you, mostly to my family, Mom, Dad, and Bea. . But also to the friends that are like family and everyone else who is still here. Even the one’s who are newer to my life. All of you play a role in what is now a New Chapter in my life.  I have come so far in these past few years and I have brought myself to be stronger then I have ever been in the past. I’m clearing up my scars and starting new. If you have been here for me before this chapter began, just know I appreciate you for loving me through all of my bad days, and accepting me and my flaws as a person when I got weak. I appreciate all of the people I have in my life, I am grateful for the people I talk to and see on a daily basis and more then anything, I am Happy. So to all of those “Used to be’s” All of you “temporary’s” , Go fuck yourself. Because I’m an awesome as person and you’re missing out on being apart of my smile, my wide ass, too big for my face ass smile. And I am not sorry things came to this. Because I tried. You didn’t.

 

See ya suckas.

* P.S: Please excuse my profanity *

A letter To My Queen . .

Dear Blake,

Some people walk in and out of our lives without leaving a trace . Others leave a string of footprints woven within our hearts, letting us know they are with us everywhere we go and every step we take.

You, my friend. . have been stomping on my heart everyday for the past two months. You were there when I needed somebody the most. It wasn’t an easy day for me, but because of you I didn’t shed any tears, didn’t feel any pain, and I didn’t feel an ounce of stress. You came to me when I needed you. You were drawn to me and you didn’t give up no matter how hard I pushed everybody away during my hard times. Ever since this day, you’ve had me under this protective wing and you haven’t let go of me since.

During these past two months, my love for you grew stronger then I’d ever anticipated. You aren’t just a friend, you’re my soul sister. You give me hope, and you cheer me on even when everybody else is gone now. You’re my biggest supporter, my number one fan.

Thank you for being a true friend. Thank you for never giving up on me even on the hardest days. You push me to be a better woman for myself and for my future. I appreciate you more then I can put into words.

When I see you, whether its been a day or a week, my heart flutters with smiles. There’s something about you that makes me feel so full inside. It’s not just your pretty face or your beautiful voice, its who you are as a person. It’s the way you get excited to tell me things or the way you smile and glow when we finish each others sentences. Its the happiness in your eyes when we are mid-song singing our heart out to Lights Down Low and we both realize we’re not that different after all. When you hurt, I deteriorate . When you’re happy, i’m ecstatic. There is nothing more special then seeing the smile. . that god damn amazing grin when we click. It’s like our souls are snuggling in that moment. I could snuggle your soul forever.

You’re the bravest woman I have ever met. You don’t let anybody tear down what you have built for yourself and you know your own strength. I envy you. I adore the living shit out of you. It’s the way you sing to me . . no better yet it’s your rap skills that get me going. I’ve never wanted to share everything I do or everything that happens to me with somebody like I do with you, because we are one. When something good happens for me you are right there feeling the happiness for me , sharing my moment with me. When something hurts me , I know you are hurting too.

My love for you goes deeper then two months. Time meant nothing to me until I met you. I don’t want to miss a single chance to talk to you , or hear your voice or see your face. You’re not just my best friend, or my soul sister. You’re a better part of me. You bring out such an amazing side of me and I don’t know if I ever would’ve found it if our paths never crossed.

You’ve been my rock and I can’t believe it’s been such a short period of time. I can’t wait until the day i’m sitting in front of you, in your big white dress, helping you get ready to marry the man of your dreams. I can’t wait to meet the blessing you will one day bring into this world and raise to be as perfect as you. I can’t wait to be by your side through everything you need me to be, because I know you’ll be right by mine. As your bestfriend, I solemnly swear to never give up on you. I pinky promise I will never leave and that we will forever be soul sisters. I am going to support every decision you make in life whether I agree with it or not, because I know deep in your wonderful mind, you have your reasoning for doing the things you do.

I promise Morgan Blake Workman , I will never, ever walk out of your life.

 

Forever until the end .

 

Love, Your lil Nug .

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Me , myself & I … all over again . 

It wasn’t easy . It still isn’t . But I’m doing it , and There’s nothing that’s gonna stop me now .

Within less then a months time I’ve managed to change my attitude about Every . Little . Thing

I no longer get mad at the “little” things . I seem to wake up with a smile on my face and a cheerful energy to start the day . For some reason I’m starting to really enjoy myself and my own company . I have control over my own space .                         It’s really good that you know how to be comfortable being alone . Whether it’s late night or early morning , alone time is a gift . You can think all the thoughts you want, without being judged . You can say anything you want , without being heard . You can dance and be happy without being watched . I can gladly say I’ve reached this point . And that’s because I’m focusing extremely hard on Me , Myself and I . 

In life it’s important to realize that no matter who comes in your life and why , they will always have a purpose . Whether they were put in your life with intent to be temporary or to be your life long soul mate. The key thing to remember is that no matter who , nor why .. don’t ever forget about yourself . Don’t think just because somebody else comes into your life and turns it upside down with utter happiness , that you are doing okay. You ” guys” as a pair , may be doing okay . But what about ” you ” as an individual ?

Did you remember to eat today ? Or were you to busy making sure someone else did?

Did you do something for yourself today ? Something that YOU wanted to do . Not what somebody else wanted you to do ?

Here’s Something to live by , no matter where life takes you , you’re always gonna be meeting new people and facing new challenges. The best part is that you have the control . You can change your life in a second . From Whose in it , to where you’ll spend your 80 degree day tomorrow. So why settle for meeting up with a friend who doesn’t care if you ate today , or how you’re doing , they only care about the fun time they’re going to have doing whatever it is that YOU probably had to plan for the two of you to do .  Instead , find people who want to know what happened as a child that made you hate shrimp . Or why you can’t stand the smell of coconut when in reality it’s because of an extremely shitty hang over that you will never forget no matter how hard you try  .

People are replaceable . Some may be harder then others to cope with living without but if it’s worth being happy over , why not choose the temporary pain for the permanent effect ?

No matter who , what , where , when or why . Always put your self and your own happiness first . Always. I did it and it’s changed my life for the better .

I don’t have to worry about what other people are doing or how their actions are effecting me . I only have to worry about what I’m doing and where I’m going next .

#independenceiskey #putyourselffirst

It’s not until you’re older .

It’s not until you get older that you realize how important family is to you. It’s not until you’re crying after a long night of no sleep and stomach aches that you just want your mother there to make it all better. It’s not until you’re older that you realize everything your parents ever did was and is for you to have a better life. It’s dad calling to say ” I Miss you Stephanie, Please come home. ” That you start having mixed emotions about what the hell you’re doing.

One day, you’re going to wake up and ask yourself “who am I”? It’s a powerful question . Are you still the little girl your parents raised to be bright and follow her heart ? Are you still the teenager who never wanted to be home because your friends ruled the world? Or are you the woman your parents raised knowing “She’ll do just fine when the day comes that she’s on her own.”

What if i’m not .. You know .. fine?

What if i’m not even ” Just okay “?

Is it okay to fall apart and break down ? Does it mean you’ve lost grip of what you’re even doing anymore? Or does it simply mean , you’re officially an adult with responsibilities and you simply have no help in arms reach.

When I graduated , I wanted to go straight to college. Let’s just say life happened. I met someone and I left the nest. From there, everything changed. My state of my mind , my responsibilities  , my strength . Everything . God knows this more than anyone , I do not regret the woman I have become. If my parents didn’t want me to leave, I had to. I have figured out who I am as a woman on my own. I have learned to fight battles I never thought i’d come across , and I wouldn’t let my mistakes or errors that I’ve made change the woman I am today.

 

 

I am hated by a lot of people in my life,  in my new “life” that I made for myself . Now more than ever is when I think back to elementary school , when my parents would say ” Bullies will be bullies, just stand up for yourself and don’t trust anyone. ” But , it was just grade school so nobody actually acted on the words.                                                                                         Then middle school came and the first day arrived and all I remember was being so tiny compared to the rest of the kids and I feared the sh*t out of my life. Of course the bullies found me there too. They would take my sweaters and things I loved but eventually I realized those things can be replaced.                                                                                          High school came and the bullies only got worse. They skipped right over the sweater stealing and name calling and they went straight for my face. 4 of them to be exact. I don’t know all the names, because it wasn’t anybody I actually knew. They could do that, because you know, its high school. Kids felt obligated to prove themselves to their friends there. Sometimes getting physical was how they did so half the time.

Finally. Came junior year, and eventually senior year . At this point I realized school isn’t all about friends, pep rally’s and coloring your face for football games. For me, it became almost a must for me to bond with my teachers. They were the only ones who really knew what I was going through without having to ask me, because once upon a time, they were a kid in school. Whether they were the bully or the innocent student who just wanted to get a passing grade and graduate, they’ve lived long enough to reach their goals, and not let their pasts stop them. Graduation day. It was the day I could finally prove myself to my family ” Hey, I’m not a failure “. I Could prove to the bullies ” Hey, I made it, and with a big thanks to you for pushing me to grow stronger .” I was especially proud to prove to myself of all people, that I can reach whatever goal I set out to reach whether it’s with or without friends. I didn’t need ” friends” at this point. I didn’t care for them anymore. I was so focused on being free and never being forced to be somewhere that I don’t feel as if I belong there.

And now I’m here… back in that feeling of life. Back in the mindset of high school, where I don’t want to look anybody in the face anymore because I know they don’t like me, and would love to spit in my face. Bullies don’t disappear, They grow with you . If I’ve learned anything being on my own its that I can only let myself be effected by the things I let destroy me. I came to realization, that there will still be girls who want your life, and people who want to see you fail. More than anything , for myself , my parents , and all of you ( you know , EXACTLY who you are ) I’ve pushed myself to set out to succeed. My new plan of life is to succeed for that growing ” I told you so ” feeling. Whether they want to sit and watch or reach their hands out to help me, I’m going to keep walking tall and keep the trust I have in my heart to do what I want and need to do. I won’t stop to get distracted by people who are only trying to stall me from my success, or sidetrack me into a broken trust-fall again, just so they can successfully watch me fail.. again.

My only question , for myself mostly.. is “Why do I feel so guilty“?                                            Everyday I wake up with an incredible amount of guilt in knots inside me. I can’t pinpoint it but I have a few factors I’ve tried to consider being the case.

Part of me feels guilty, for leaving my family without any notice. For drifting away from them and not giving them an explanation or a “why” as to why we don’t talk everyday anymore. It’s not that they don’t cross my mind everyday, because they do. All of them . Mom, Dad , Sis and the whole rest of the gang. All of you are on my mind and in my heart even if i’m not there to eat dinner with you every night.                                                                          Another piece of me feels guilty for myself. For multiple reasons which include mostly , how I’ve treated people in the past as far out to how I’m doing today and the amount of strength left in me.

At the end of the day, every person has their story. And unless they know your story, and I mean really , really know your story.. They will never understand the things you’ve done and the reasons for your mistakes. Not everybody will understand you, and that’s okay. Just say sorry when need be to the ones that don’t get it, but don’t waste your time explaining yourself to those who, just plain out could careless about you, your feelings, or your success.

 

// excerpt of my story 

one day I will tell it all //

 

 

If anything more then something i’m not .. here is a photo of me, before this unique chapter in my life even started . Here’s to the old me . Here’s to the ecstatic, humorous, selfless old me. Before I begin to better myself.. I will always hold this photo in memory of who I truly am. I promise to myself that no matter what happens, I will always be myself before I begin to think about whose judging me . I never cared before, so why start now?

 

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** P.S. Yes, I am a walking cheeseburger. **

 

 

Too short.

tumblr_moxav03iva1r0ii93o1_500Life is too short to take things for granted. Life is too short to get mad at the little things. Life is too short in general.

Today my entire perspective changed as I almost lost someone I love so deeply.

Life is a precious thing. It can be taken from anybody at any time . Even the ones you love.

Stop stressing little problems and appreciate the air you breathe while you’re breathing it.