One of those “days”

mouth closed shut

Have you ever been doing something and you suddenly lose interest in the activity? Have you ever woken up in an empty, blank mood that some would consider “On the wrong side of the bed”? If you have depression, odds are you know exactly what I am talking about. If not, you probably have a loved one with these characteristics. Depression is common. Although it is treatable, it is not necessarily curable. It can be treated with medication or talking to a professional. Does this mean it goes away? Absolutely not. Maybe its treated.. but its still there. You will still wake up not knowing how you have made it as far as you did on this earth, but you did it. I am proud of you. I truly am. Depression is not easy to live with and being a part of that category for five years has shown me a completely different view on life then I would not have seen if I had not been diagnosed. There will be days where I will wake up and I don’t even feel like I have control over my own feelings or emotions. I will be in a funk and only very few things can remove me from it. Photography and Writing being two of my go-tos. Not even family or a handful of laughter can remove me from it. But for some reason when I am doing something I have a passion for it brings out the better side of me. There could be a room full of people I love and a bucket of smiles from cheek to cheek, but I’ll be that person. Sitting in the corner with my headphones in and blocking everything out. Not because I don’t want to share laughter with them, But simply because I am not in control of my mood. I wish  I was. Nothing means more to me then seeing how happy the people I love are and seeing smiles on their faces. Its not by choice and it truly sucks but I have ruined many “could’ve” been memories this way. The only thing  I can say to them all is I’m sorry, and thank you. Thank you to my family and my close friends who have understood that It isn’t a desire of mine to block them out, and I’m sorry. I am sorry for my bad vibe. I am sorry I couldn’t laugh with you and share smiles. I’m sorry. I  Don’t know why I’m like this, I just am. I am grateful to have over come as much as I have, for it used to be more then half the week that I would be this way, now I just have “my days”. It isn’t as often, but when it does happen, Its amazing to have such understanding people in my life that know it isn’t them, its me. It isn’t because I don’t enjoy your presence, I just can’t shake it. I am sorry. And to everybody who has been or is in the same boat, you know, with depression. . Don’t give up. It gets better. I feel myself enjoying life more and more everyday. I can feel the happiness coming back to life inside of me. I can see the sunshine that I was missing for so long, whether its because I have found somebody who brings out an amazing glow in me, or because I have finally built enough strength to stop letting things deteriorate my mind body and soul. I am healthy and I am happy. I have my days, but slowly and surely I have become less and less depressed. Life goes on. The disease doesn’t exactly disappear but it does get better. I got the help I needed, and five years later I am in a truly better place. Don’t lose hope, things will get better.


Sometimes you dont exactly know whats going on and thats okay .

its okay to just follow your heart,

even if its leading you to something you

dont forget to follow your heart

it can lead you to

follow the things you wouldnt normally do

without thinking

but honestly

just do what makes you happy

your supposed to be happy

b4 anybody else

yours is more important

so do it


Throwback Thursday 

c4c67bce6a1ae69fe04701a7294ee3c6I started drinking Dunkin Donuts Mint Hot Chocolate again since winter is around the corner and cold weather is creeping up .

The second I took my first sip and it hit my throat , i instantly remembered all the times I’d drink it whenever I was at the boys and girls club and it was freezing out . Whether it was staying over night with the keystoners for sleepovers with the Children, or going to a seminar , or even a sports game .

Everything.. it all flashed back . What used to be my life , all through my senses and suddenly I missed those people and then I realized there’s a reason the past is in the past and the present is where I am now .

Forever grateful for all the memories I’ve had with my boys and girls club family but even more grateful to have landed in the arms of the man I’m engaged to .

Just a flash from the past for ya 👋🏼

Too short.

tumblr_moxav03iva1r0ii93o1_500Life is too short to take things for granted. Life is too short to get mad at the little things. Life is too short in general.

Today my entire perspective changed as I almost lost someone I love so deeply.

Life is a precious thing. It can be taken from anybody at any time . Even the ones you love.

Stop stressing little problems and appreciate the air you breathe while you’re breathing it.

Hit where it hurts.

I can’t pretend like I know where to start when it comes to talking about this so I’m just going to jump right into it.

If there is one thing I had more then anything it’s the heroine and opioid epidemic going around.

Too many of the people that I love strongly are being effected by it.

Just last year I lost my cousin due to an overdose.

My family has been ripped to shreds and I don’t even see my uncles anymore because of it. All three of my uncles are addicts. I get to see them maybe once every six months, if they aren’t back in jail that is. The biggest reason my biological father didn’t raise me or wasn’t in my life as I was growing up is because of the fact that he’s a hard addict. Every body in my family has been in jail under a drug case. Everybody except me and my sisters.

It really hurts me to know that my loved ones have fallen into this trap. I know how hard it is to stop doing something when you’ve been addicted to doing it for so long. I’ve seen too many people die including my own family members, because of this epidemic.

Some things you grow to learn when dealing with family and friends that are addicts is that you have to be understanding. They didn’t choose to be an addict, nobody does. You become addicted to the way something helps you and the way you feel on it, but you never get into it with the intention of being addicted to it. To need and want it when you wake up and to not be able to get by without it because you won’t feel okay after going without your usual dose of whatever your substance of choice is.

Another thing I learned is not to judge. Because of the simple fact that one does not make the choice to become addicted, you can’t judge them for it happening to them.

Addicts need love and compassion. They need to know you don’t hate them regardless of how disgusted you might be with their addictions.

I can’t stand the thought of losing another family member or someone else that I love and if I ever have to go through that again I don’t think I’ll ever look at drugs the same way.

R.i.p. Danielle LeBlanc. You are missed, we love you. ❤️

November 1985 – April 2015