Jeromes Journey · Personal

My angelΒ 

Words.. it feels like I have nothing to say , but so much to say . 

I can’t even begin to explain the amount of pain my heart is in and the amount of tears I’ve cried in the past four days . 

He’s gone .. Jeromes journey has come to an unfortunate end . He will always be my man of steel , my super man .. but now he’s flying above me looking down . My baby .. so strong and to think he never quit fighting because of the strength we gave him . 

It’s so hard to fathom, I can’t do it . I can’t get a grip and I can’t seem to accept it . I think they call this denial . I’ve been through what feels like every stage of grief in the first day alone and now it’s day four and I finally come to write . 

I can’t believe it , just one week ago you and I were planning our wedding together .. and here I am now , planning your services . I have so many emotions running through my mind and my soul . 

My soul misses you , I cant wait to see you again , and let our souls be together forever like they were meant to be . You will always be my one and only true love . Nobody will ever have the power to take your place and frankly even if they tried I wouldn’t let them . I’m not sure I can even let anybody in anymore . I’m not sure I want to start over . How do I begin a new chapter in life without my favorite character ? This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do . Saying goodbye to you now , and missing you for the rest of my life .. it just isn’t fair . I will never stop loving you , and when we finally meet again I hope you know my love will just grow stronger . 

You  have made me into the woman I am today . You took away all my insecurities, nobody will ever make me feel bad about myself again because you’ll be right on my shoulder whispering sweet nothings and pillow talk to block them out from hurting my heart. You will always be my protector and my guardian angel . You’ve always been the man of my dreams and though once before you’ve given me a new reason to live , I have now found another . I want to live to make you proud , I want to be strong for you and I want to do right by you as I know you’ll never take your eyes off me . I’ll be the best dang character in your new chapter that you ever could’ve asked for ( I’ll even write the book for you too ) all you have to do is be worry free , pain free , and love endlessly and I will forever be grateful for your presence. 

I’ve never lost somebody I loved before . I’ve never gone through the pain I’ve seen others in many times before . I’ve been sad and cried a day or so for my loved ones loss but never for my own . 

You , my young hero , are 23 . I can’t believe you have actually fulfilled whatever it was you were set on this earth for in 23 years . I can’t believe you are always accomplishing things quick , and early . You are always making people proud and living up to all expectations, even gods . 

My loss , is gods gain . I trust god , I know he will forever keep you happy the way you needed me to keep a smile on your face . 

I’ve yet to say it , because I’m still in denial .. but for now I’ll say this , 

 I hope you’re taking the most comfiest nap in the clouds and I’ll be sure to be nagging in your ear sooner than you can blink twice . Just promise me you won’t get mad when I wake you up , because I will do it with love and I will do it in only the way you and I will understand what’s happening . I will never stop loving you , please don’t ever stop loving me , for I need you to love me so I can carry a fuller heart even with the emptiness I feel inside . 

I love you always my king and my king you will always be loved . 

Until we meet again 

07|28|93 – 06|16|17 

Sweet dreams my handsome husband β€οΈπŸ‘ΌπŸ½β˜οΈ

Jeromes Journey

Two more!

IMG_0057Thats right. Add two more surgeries to my last post. With a total of four cranny surgeries so far this year my fiance is still battling his brain cancer. Unfortunately every time he gets a little closer to the remission process his tumor starts bleeding and causes more complications. Hopefully radiation will be started this week or early next week and we can finally start seeing progress. Things are hard now but we’ve been taking it one day at a time because tomorrow is always unpredictable.
Keep Praying & i’ll keep him fighting !

 

Jeromes Journey · Personal

It’s not easy, but I love you .

I Can’t sit here and pretend like nothing is the matter. I can’t sit here and mask my feelings when my mind is in a million places.

It’s not easy when the man that you love to death, would actually rather be dead.

It’s not easy dealing with his depression on top of your own.

& It’s definitely not easy to stay positive when everything in your life at the moment, is in fact negative.

Everyday is a challenge , the same challenge at that. It’s hearing him say ” I hate my life.” or “I just wish I could die and then you wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore.”

In no way is death an answer. Having a suicidal fiance can absolutely hurt your heart. Especially when all you want to do is make him better but you don’t have a magic wand.

One thing that really kills me is when he tells me ” You can leave if you want you don’t have to deal with this. You’re too good for me.” Or the infamous “I don’t want to hold you back from your life.” I don’t know how to make him understand that I truly love him and I am willing to be by his side to fight this until the very end. I don’t want any other life than one with him.

It’s not easy trying to fill someones head with positive thoughts and hope and looking them in the face and them replying “I just hate my life and I want to be healthy again.” It’s like he’s just not hearing it. He is shutting it right out. All of it, Β any of it.

I love him so much, and I don’t have the answers. I don’t have the medicine. I want it all to go away, for his sake. I can handle it. But Jerome, His positive energy and mindset is deteriorating everyday that he wakes up.

 

Does anybody have a cure ?

Anyone ?

Jeromes Journey

It’s Back . . .

Speechless. I’m speechless. On January 6, I got a phone call right before work. It was my fiance, who was in the emergency room because he lost his control of his hand and leg. We thought he had a stroke, so I brought him in to get and MRI and testing done. I had to leave so I could work in the morning. Lets just say, I didn’t go to work Friday morning. Instead I was sending prayers back to God all over again . My cancer survivor.. had been diagnosed with cancer… all over again. This time it is in his brain instead of his lungs. I don’t know what to do, what to think, what to say. I am speechless.

Free Writing · Jeromes Journey

Miracles do exist .Β 

It’s almost over .. finally .

As I sit here with the love of my life on the last day of his visit for his FINAL chemotherapy appointment I can only thank GOD repeatedly , nonstop , with tears in my eyes wondering why he decided to pull through for us . Not many people are this lucky . A lot of people have to fight for years , some fight with no hope for recovery .

My baby did it though . He kicked cancers ass and with very VERY little cancer cells left my heart grows stronger for god .

As we sit here waiting to be discharged I think back at our journey as it’s been a long 3 & 1/2 months .

I remember it so clearly , waking up on his birthday morning and bringing him to he hospital because he had swollen feet .

NEVER did I think that day that I would have lost him TWICE . but both times god gave him back , he knew I wasn’t done with him .. he knew it wasn’t fair to take him at this age and he knew my baby wasn’t ready to go willingly .

I remember the day he woke up and proposed to me with a tube down his throat . I cried like a baby . I never expected any of what happened that week to happen and yeah it’s been a very rough patch for all of us , but I’m so happy to be where we are now .

I can’t thank god enough for being our savior . I cant wait to start this road to recovery for now all that’s left to do is go up from here .