One of those “days”

mouth closed shut

Have you ever been doing something and you suddenly lose interest in the activity? Have you ever woken up in an empty, blank mood that some would consider “On the wrong side of the bed”? If you have depression, odds are you know exactly what I am talking about. If not, you probably have a loved one with these characteristics. Depression is common. Although it is treatable, it is not necessarily curable. It can be treated with medication or talking to a professional. Does this mean it goes away? Absolutely not. Maybe its treated.. but its still there. You will still wake up not knowing how you have made it as far as you did on this earth, but you did it. I am proud of you. I truly am. Depression is not easy to live with and being a part of that category for five years has shown me a completely different view on life then I would not have seen if I had not been diagnosed. There will be days where I will wake up and I don’t even feel like I have control over my own feelings or emotions. I will be in a funk and only very few things can remove me from it. Photography and Writing being two of my go-tos. Not even family or a handful of laughter can remove me from it. But for some reason when I am doing something I have a passion for it brings out the better side of me. There could be a room full of people I love and a bucket of smiles from cheek to cheek, but I’ll be that person. Sitting in the corner with my headphones in and blocking everything out. Not because I don’t want to share laughter with them, But simply because I am not in control of my mood. I wish  I was. Nothing means more to me then seeing how happy the people I love are and seeing smiles on their faces. Its not by choice and it truly sucks but I have ruined many “could’ve” been memories this way. The only thing  I can say to them all is I’m sorry, and thank you. Thank you to my family and my close friends who have understood that It isn’t a desire of mine to block them out, and I’m sorry. I am sorry for my bad vibe. I am sorry I couldn’t laugh with you and share smiles. I’m sorry. I  Don’t know why I’m like this, I just am. I am grateful to have over come as much as I have, for it used to be more then half the week that I would be this way, now I just have “my days”. It isn’t as often, but when it does happen, Its amazing to have such understanding people in my life that know it isn’t them, its me. It isn’t because I don’t enjoy your presence, I just can’t shake it. I am sorry. And to everybody who has been or is in the same boat, you know, with depression. . Don’t give up. It gets better. I feel myself enjoying life more and more everyday. I can feel the happiness coming back to life inside of me. I can see the sunshine that I was missing for so long, whether its because I have found somebody who brings out an amazing glow in me, or because I have finally built enough strength to stop letting things deteriorate my mind body and soul. I am healthy and I am happy. I have my days, but slowly and surely I have become less and less depressed. Life goes on. The disease doesn’t exactly disappear but it does get better. I got the help I needed, and five years later I am in a truly better place. Don’t lose hope, things will get better.
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What are you thankful for?

Thanksgiving Tumblr

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it! To those who don’t, Happy Thursday!

Take a moment today, to pull yourself aside and be alone. Think about everything you have to be grateful for, and the people in your life that you are happy to have a part of your life. It’s important to acknowledge our loved ones, not just on the holidays but everyday. So today, on the day of giving thanks, don’t forget to thank the ones who make your life worth living. The ones who make your life special in unique ways. The ones who are there for you and appreciate having you in their life as well.

That is all I am going to say about this holiday. Not many people celebrate it and that is okay, but for the ones that do I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving. All others, Have a beautiful Thursday, remember to smile today!

Go F*** Yourselves.

Isn’t it crazy? I think it’s bizarre. It is absolutely insane actually.

How can somebody you have built a friendship or relationship with just pretend like you don’t exist anymore? It makes you wonder if you were ever of any importance to them. It leaves so many questions. . Where did things go wrong? What happened to “Forever until the end”? I mean, who knew the end was so near? Am I right?

I’d love more then anything to say that everything happens for a reason in this blog post, but that is probably the only time I will mention it and I will end that thought with saying I do not what-so-ever understand what the reason for this kind of thing is.

How can somebody who you talked to, for every minute of every day, somebody whom you shared your bad days and good with. . just pretend like you were never special to them like they were to you?

I just have so many questions. I seek so many answers. So, to all of those “best friends” I thought I had, To all of those “I will always be here for you” phonies, and ESPECIALLY to all of those corny ass cliche abusers let me ask you this. . Are you satisfied?

No , seriously . Did you get what you came for? Are you thrilled that the act of faking our friendship is finally over, so you can be all about your own selfish life now? Was I not good enough to be kept around? To try a little harder to stay close with? Or do I just not have the qualities you seek in a person to play a role in your life? I could ask the same thing in so many different forms but I guess the question I seek an answer to is ” Why ” ?

Why am I, the one who is always trying to put a smile on everybody elses face, the one who is constantly worrying about other peoples health and mental status, the one who cherishes every moment of life I live with my friends and family, Seeking answers from people who clearly aren’t worrying about how I am anymore? I still show that I care for you. . I still ask you how you are doing . . ? Why can’t you ever ask me? Why must I chase down the people who have made it very clear to me that I don’t matter anymore and that they genuinely don’t care what goes on in my life?

It makes absolutely no sense at all to me. Every now and then I will break down. I’ll have an episode or two about what used to be with certain people that at this current point in my life I no longer have contact with. I can’t hide the fact that I miss you guys. I can’t hide the fact that I miss having that lady best friend to get my nails done with, or to gossip with about the boy I’m head over heels for. I miss having someone that looked to me to brighten their day. I miss having that person to tell me that my ass doesn’t look good in the photo I just posted, or even the opposite. I miss the ” Go bestfriend, thats my bestfriend” and the “My bestfriend is SLAYING” comments. Or going on facebook and seeing all of the stupid things I am tagged in because somebody knows me in and out and knows all of the things that are going to make me crack the heck up. I miss the feeling of knowing someone has my back if something happens. I miss having a shoulder to cry on when I’ve had an extremely rough week and things just got ten times worse and my strength is ripped from under me or even someone to talk me through my asthma attacks and have that ability to calm me down. I miss facetiming and laughing for hours over ridiculous shit that isn’t even funny but we’re so over tired that we’d laugh at the sound of a dog barking or a car honking.

You never realize how much somebody can make an impact on your life, until they’re taken from you. I placed all of my happiness into other peoples hands for so long. Now I long to fill that void and I’m sitting here, crying and talking to myself because I don’t have that person . But you know what ? It’s okay. I’ll cry my tears but I promise you I wont reach out to you. I tried so hard to keep you around, and if you didn’t realize that then a big fuck you to you. A big fuck you to those people who I gave my all to who didnt care to fight for me. And a HUGE fuck you to those who don’t ask me how I’m doing anymore because if you haven’t already figured it out, I’m fucking FANTASTIC. You know why? Because I’m learning to over come my obstacles by myself. I’ve learned to increase my strength on my own because when you’ve lost so many people you thought you had, You learn you only have yourself in the end.

Am I saying that I have no one? No. Am I saying I don’t love all of the people I DO have? Incorrect as well. I’d actually like to take a moment and say THANK YOU

Thank you, mostly to my family, Mom, Dad, and Bea. . But also to the friends that are like family and everyone else who is still here. Even the one’s who are newer to my life. All of you play a role in what is now a New Chapter in my life.  I have come so far in these past few years and I have brought myself to be stronger then I have ever been in the past. I’m clearing up my scars and starting new. If you have been here for me before this chapter began, just know I appreciate you for loving me through all of my bad days, and accepting me and my flaws as a person when I got weak. I appreciate all of the people I have in my life, I am grateful for the people I talk to and see on a daily basis and more then anything, I am Happy. So to all of those “Used to be’s” All of you “temporary’s” , Go fuck yourself. Because I’m an awesome as person and you’re missing out on being apart of my smile, my wide ass, too big for my face ass smile. And I am not sorry things came to this. Because I tried. You didn’t.

 

See ya suckas.

* P.S: Please excuse my profanity *

Find Your Color.

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RUT  : a habit or pattern of behavior that has become dull and unproductive but is hard to change . Syn  : dead end, boring routine , humdrum existence. 

 

There comes a point in life, a point where you realize you aren’t happy. A point where you realize, you just don’t know what to do and how to fix your feeling of “unhappy”…

For some people, this point in life can be very brief and last only about a month. For others, that are not so fortunate, they are stuck in this thing we refer to as a “Rut” which means it usually last several months or longer.

So here I am going try my hardest to give advice to those who need to hear it, which if you are one of those people… you know, in a “Rut” well you’ll know it if this advice hits you where it is intended to.

 

For one, what is the reason for your current Rut? Find an establishment. Do you know what and/or whom was the cause of this Rut?

Once you have figured out where exactly this all started, I think you need to put some things into perspective. Now whether your reason is a person, or an event that took place, ask yourself… Am I the only one effected? If its a person, are they as unhappy as you are now? If not, that right there is your reason to get through this. Why should you be the only one upset? Why should you be the only one whose head feels like a volcano eagerly waiting to erupt from an overdose of sad thoughts from the past? Who is winning here? Definitely not you. Look at you. You’re a freakin’ hot mess. Why? Because of somebody who clearly isn’t as torn up about it as you are. Because of somebody who obviously doesn’t matter to your life because regardless of your state of mind, they are doing just fine. NOW IF the cause of your Rut is more of an event. Perhaps you are grieving the loss of someone close to you, or you lost a job that meant a lot to you, etc. You DEFINITELY need to pick yourself up by the belt loops and get back on your happy boat.  I can promise you, and I mean promise you because I’ve been here before… that if it is one of those things you just absolutely can not go back in time and change it so that it didn’t happen, you should not spend more then a month dwelling on this situation. It is in no way fair to your mind or body that you drown in your own loss. Everybody loses something. Sometimes things happen and we just don’t have any control over it. Sometimes we have a tad bit of control but the little control we do have still doesn’t put us where we would like to be. For example, if you lost somebody, due to an accident, or an illness etc. Do you think that person would want to see you weeping everyday? No they wouldn’t. Don’t you think they will only hurt more,the more you hurt? Our loved ones want to see us doing well. They want to see us succeeding and happy. Not sad and depressed and especially not because of them .

Moving on . After you have figured out the reason for all of this and you have told yourself once again, that you need to move forward and find your happiness. Lets focus on actually doing so now. What makes you happy? Is it a hobby? Is it a specific person or people? Is it more intangible things like accomplishing goals, or helping other people with their problems? Once you have figured out what one thing that makes you happy is, that’s where you aim your focus. Although you can not become happy overnight, you can focus on the little things that make you temporarily happy until you can eventually become a happy whole again, which as expected takes time. If helping other people makes you happy, continue to do so! Don’t stop doing those things. BUT In the meantime, put yourself in perspective as “somebody else” and talk to yourself. Give yourself the advice you’d want and need to hear from somebody seeking out to you for help. If you have to be aggressive, be that. If you need to be soft on yourself, make sure you still get through to yourself. Nobody can change the way you do things. Nobody can stop you from being down, but you. Others can try but it all falls back on you, and your mindset. You have to want to be happy as much as others want you to be. You have to crave that smile that hurts your cheeks and that laughter that ties your stomach up in knots tighter then birthday balloons. If you don’t set that level of want within, you are more likely to give up when things go wrong. If a hobby makes you happy, say painting or hunting ( for me , its writing. . . clearly ) DO THAT THING , and do it again and again. The more you fill your free time with things you enjoy doing, the more “namaste” feeling you will feel inside. Switch it up sometimes. Paint with friends, paint at your local Pottery place in town. Invite friends on a hunting trip, or go somewhere totally new and hunt! Do things with what you have already that make you happy. Expanding your happiness is the goal here after all. If you focus more on the positive things and let go of the negative things you are bound to become a more positive person. You are bound to step out of your Rut in due time. Maybe it’s not doing something, maybe it’s a person. Maybe a person makes you happy. Does this person know? If they don’t, now is a better time then ever to tell them they have that effect on you. What if they’re unaware you rely on them for happiness and they to are in a Rut and you just aren’t aware of it? What if you telling them they make you happy is exactly what takes them away from their Rut because now they feel important and want to focus on making you happy. You honestly never know what somebody else is going through so just give it a shot. If someone else is the reason that makes you happy, and you guys are hundreds of miles apart, change that. Move closer. You only have one life why should you be tied down to one part of town in a state far away from somebody who brings happiness to your life? Whatever is standing in the way of your happiness, remove it. If its dwelling over a past, remove all things from your past. You can’t be happy until you eliminate your problem. Eliminate all things negative, and start focusing on the positive things life has to offer. What good is it to be stuck in a Rut? We all know you don’t want to be there. Believe it or not there is people all around you who don’t want to see you hurting and would kill if you told them your feelings and why you weren’t happy. There is tons of people who would love to bring joy to your mind and heart. You just have to let them.

What I am trying to say here is this and only this. Everybody deserves to be happy. Nobody deserves to be in a Rut, yet everybody goes through things in life, it should not change the type of person you are permanently. Get back on your feet. Only you can pick yourself up right now, tell yourself you want this as much as others want it for you and go find your happiness and when you have it, hold onto it tighter then you would the safety bar on the pirate ship. Happiness is a very special thing and without it, our minds are deprived of all color. Get out and stop being Gray . Find your color and then go paint rainbows with it when you do.

You got this.

 

It’s all about staying motivated.

An open letter to the girl who doesn't love her body..."There are far too many smart, beautiful, independent women who don't love themselves."

So This is my first blog going into a new category. This is where I will be blogging about my Weight Gaining Journey, because believe it or not there is some of us out here that are different from the rest. Not everything is about weight loss and that’s okay ! Even if people tell you that you’re fine the way you are because you’re skinny, It may not mean you are actually fit, or healthy. You could just have a fast metabolism, and THAT’S OKAY! But I hope if anybody else has trouble gaining weight, this category can give some motivation not to give up in the process!

 

It took a while.

A little bit too long actually. I Cant put a time on it, but for over five years now I have been trying  to gain weight. I was sick of being called ” Skinny Minnie” and I was so tired of people telling me to “Put some weight on those bones.” It wasn’t easy. . Trying to gain weight when you think you’re eating enough but you aren’t because your stomach has shrunk do to the fact that you are actually eating too little. I’d get full to quick, and never have an appetite.

There was a point in my life where I was Low 90’s. And by that I mean, during high school I was actually 90 Lbs. Was I happy about it? Absolutely not. Did I try to do something about it? Of course I did! But did it work? Not so much.

There will always be those people, the ones who say ” You’re so skinny why do you need to step on a scale”? Or the typical “You’re skinny you don’t need to go to the gym.” Well first of all, don;t listen to those people. Do what YOU need and want to do to reach your goals. If you’re not happy with the way that you look regardless of other peoples opinions, good or bad. Be in control of your own body and do it without taking other peoples comments and opinions to heart. I promise you if you let the words of the envious control you, you will not get where you want to be as happily and easily as you’d like to.

Whether you believe it or not, we all take other peoples opinions of ourselves into deep consideration. Even if we don’t let it affect us immediately when it is said, or even if we do. Words can hurt, especially if you are already self conscious about something. Now the person saying the words may not even know you at all or nearly enough as they should or need to, to be judging you or stating facts about your weight and/or goals.

SO with that being said.. Yes I let the words eat me alive. BUT, I also let them build me stronger. All of those people who made weight comments to me, are now telling me on the daily that I look good, and I look healthy. You know why that is? Because I have reached my goal. The one I ( not anybody else ) set for myself. This is the first of many goals I have reached and plan to work hard for. In just five months, I managed to gain 16Lbs. That means in June I weighed in at 94Lbs. I turned my life around, got rid of the stress as much as I possibly could, Started drinking protein shakes, exercising at home! And EATING A LOT. Now that its October, I weigh in at 110Lbs. This is the first time in my life that I have weighed this much. To most people, i’m still “skinny.” Too some i’m still too small to be at a gym or worrying about my weight in general. But its those people who push me to keep going. My next goal is going to be 125. BUT this time I’ll switch it up. Now that I have packed on my extra bit of weigh.. in my not so healthy diet. I am going to start eating healthy, while maintaining a calorie intake of 2000+ A day, and also working out more. When I reach 125 I prefer to be more muscular and physically fit. I believe if I can cut the pizza bites out, and the excessive snacks out, and replace them for healthy dinners and healthy on the go snacks and shakes, that I can reach my goal.

Don’t let anybody take you away from what you are set on. If you want something work for it. If its going to make you happy, don’t give up, And if somebody is body shaming you in any way, shape or form .. take it and twist it to your advantage. Use that shit for ammo and fire up your guns. Literally . Work on those guns.

SO to sum up some of the things I focused on while trying to gain weight these past few months are as followed :

  • ENSURE protein shakes. Of any sort, these things are a blessing in disguise. Whether you are drinking them to completely replace a meal that you are going to miss the opportunity to eat OR if you are adding them to your meal. These drinks alone take no time to finish and can hold between 200-400 Calories, Depending whether or not you get the ” PLUS” or regular ones.
  • EATING  !!!! I am almost always eating ! Whether I am picking up a few extra snacks throughout the day or eating two breakfasts and two dinners, I intake a lot of calories. It may also be good to count your calorie intake for a week just to get an idea of how much you are getting on a normal basis and see where you can make adjustments.
  • At home workouts! Believe it or not the squats in the shower, They DO make a difference. Whenever you are using the bathroom or find yourself chilling in an elevator , stop and do 30 squats, or jumping jacks or even push-ups ! Honestly whichever helps you out to improve on your area of focus! If you have the time, put your phone down for a minute and workout. It adds up. See a staircase? Have time in between class? Why not run it a few times up and down just to get that extra leg definition.

Now start setting those goals and start working for them!

Sometimes

Sometimes you dont exactly know whats going on and thats okay .

its okay to just follow your heart,

even if its leading you to something you

dont forget to follow your heart

it can lead you to

follow the things you wouldnt normally do

without thinking

but honestly

just do what makes you happy

your supposed to be happy

b4 anybody else

yours is more important

so do it