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It’s not until you’re older .

It’s not until you get older that you realize how important family is to you. It’s not until you’re crying after a long night of no sleep and stomach aches that you just want your mother there to make it all better. It’s not until you’re older that you realize everything your parents ever did was and is for you to have a better life. It’s dad calling to say ” I Miss you Stephanie, Please come home. ” That you start having mixed emotions about what the hell you’re doing.

One day, you’re going to wake up and ask yourself “who am I”? It’s a powerful question . Are you still the little girl your parents raised to be bright and follow her heart ? Are you still the teenager who never wanted to be home because your friends ruled the world? Or are you the woman your parents raised knowing “She’ll do just fine when the day comes that she’s on her own.”

What if i’m not .. You know .. fine?

What if i’m not even ” Just okay “?

Is it okay to fall apart and break down ? Does it mean you’ve lost grip of what you’re even doing anymore? Or does it simply mean , you’re officially an adult with responsibilities and you simply have no help in arms reach.

When I graduated , I wanted to go straight to college. Let’s just say life happened. I met someone ( the love of my life ) and I left the nest. From there, everything changed. My state of my mind , my responsibilities  , my strength . Everything . God knows this more than anyone , I do not regret the woman I have become. If my parents didn’t want me to leave, I had to. I have figured out who I am as a woman on my own. I have learned to fight battles I never thought i’d come across , and I wouldn’t let my mistakes or errors that I’ve made change the woman I am today.

 

 

I am hated by a lot of people in my life,  in my new “life” that I made for myself . Now more than ever is when I think back to elementary school , when my parents would say ” Bullies will be bullies, just stand up for yourself and don’t trust anyone. ” But , it was just grade school so nobody actually acted on the words.                                                                                         Then middle school came and the first day arrived and all I remember was being so tiny compared to the rest of the kids and I feared the sh*t out of my life. Of course the bullies found me there too. They would take my sweaters and things I loved but eventually I realized those things can be replaced.                                                                                          High school came and the bullies only got worse. They skipped right over the sweater stealing and name calling and they went straight for my face. 4 of them to be exact. I don’t know all the names, because it wasn’t anybody I actually knew. They could do that, because you know, its high school. Kids felt obligated to prove themselves to their friends there. Sometimes getting physical was how they did so half the time.

Finally. Came junior year, and eventually senior year . At this point I realized school isn’t all about friends, pep rally’s and coloring your face for football games. For me, it became almost a must for me to bond with my teachers. They were the only ones who really knew what I was going through without having to ask me, because once upon a time, they were a kid in school. Whether they were the bully or the innocent student who just wanted to get a passing grade and graduate, they’ve lived long enough to reach their goals, and not let their pasts stop them. Graduation day. It was the day I could finally prove myself to my family ” Hey, I’m not a failure “. I Could prove to the bullies ” Hey, I made it, and with a big thanks to you for pushing me to grow stronger .” I was especially proud to prove to myself of all people, that I can reach whatever goal I set out to reach whether it’s with or without friends. I didn’t need ” friends” at this point. I didn’t care for them anymore. I was so focused on being free and never being forced to be somewhere that I don’t feel as if I belong there.

And now I’m here… back in that feeling of life. Back in the mindset of high school, where I don’t want to look anybody in the face anymore because I know they don’t like me, and would love to spit in my face. Bullies don’t disappear, They grow with you . If I’ve learned anything being on my own its that I can only let myself be effected by the things I let destroy me. I came to realization, that there will still be girls who want your life, and people who want to see you fail. More than anything , for myself , my parents , and all of you ( you know , EXACTLY who you are ) I’ve pushed myself to set out to succeed. My new plan of life is to succeed for that growing ” I told you so ” feeling. Whether they want to sit and watch or reach their hands out to help me, I’m going to keep walking tall and keep the trust I have in my heart to do what I want and need to do. I won’t stop to get distracted by people who are only trying to stall me from my success, or sidetrack me into a broken trust-fall again, just so they can successfully watch me fail.. again.

My only question , for myself mostly.. is “Why do I feel so guilty“?                                            Everyday I wake up with an incredible amount of guilt in knots inside me. I can’t pinpoint it but I have a few factors I’ve tried to consider being the case.                

       Part of me feels guilty, for leaving my family without any notice. For drifting away from them and not giving them an explanation or a “why” as to why we don’t talk everyday anymore. It’s not that they don’t cross my mind everyday, because they do. All of them . Mom, Dad , Sis and the whole rest of the gang. All of you are on my mind and in my heart even if i’m not there to eat dinner with you every night.                                                                          Another piece of me feels guilty for myself. For multiple reasons which include mostly , how I’ve treated people in the past as far out to how I’m doing today and the amount of strength left in me.                                                                                                                          The final piece of me feels guilt specifically toward how I have treated my fiance. Everybody has emotions , right? Now imagine you are in your emotions, everyday . Mainly because you are lost and you feel like you’re back in high school, but regardless the reasons and excuses, the emotions are spilling out. Next imagine you fall in love. You fall in love with someone who at first seems to be a successful, caring and wonderful woman.. or so you thought. Finally, picture in your head that down the line, when things have hit rock bottom you realize she isn’t as strong as you wanted her to be. Or maybe she isn’t as successful as you wanted her to be, or even simply because  “She just isn’t her anymore”. I feel guilt because I’ve gone through a stage in my life, that everybody hits at one point or another and he, my fiance has had to deal with every emotion, every mistake and every lesson I’ve learned along the way. That includes my bad days, when I don’t act like myself anymore. Instead i’m acting like someone he’s never met, and definitely not the woman he asked to marry him on his death bed. I can’t take back the way I have treated him or the things he’s had to see from me, but if theres anything  I can do, it’s prevent him from ever seeing that woman again. As much as I can anyways.

At the end of the day, every person has their story. And unless they know your story, and I mean really , really know your story.. They will never understand the things you’ve done and the reasons for your mistakes. Not everybody will understand you, and that’s okay. Just say sorry when need be to the ones that don’t get it, but don’t waste your time explaining yourself to those who, just plain out could careless about you, your feelings, or your success.

 

// excerpt of my story 

one day I will tell it all //

 

 

If anything more then something i’m not .. here is a photo of me, before this unique chapter in my life even started . Here’s to the old me . Here’s to the ecstatic, humorous, selfless old me. Before I begin to better myself.. I will always hold this photo in memory of who I truly am. I promise to myself that no matter what happens, I will always be myself before I begin to think about whose judging me . I never cared before, so why start now?

 

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** P.S. Yes, I am a walking cheeseburger. **

 

 

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