I Can’t sit here and pretend like nothing is the matter. I can’t sit here and mask my feelings when my mind is in a million places.
It’s not easy when the man that you love to death, would actually rather be dead.
It’s not easy dealing with his depression on top of your own.
& It’s definitely not easy to stay positive when everything in your life at the moment, is in fact negative.
Everyday is a challenge , the same challenge at that. It’s hearing him say ” I hate my life.” or “I just wish I could die and then you wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore.”
In no way is death an answer. Having a suicidal fiance can absolutely hurt your heart. Especially when all you want to do is make him better but you don’t have a magic wand.
One thing that really kills me is when he tells me ” You can leave if you want you don’t have to deal with this. You’re too good for me.” Or the infamous “I don’t want to hold you back from your life.” I don’t know how to make him understand that I truly love him and I am willing to be by his side to fight this until the very end. I don’t want any other life than one with him.
It’s not easy trying to fill someones head with positive thoughts and hope and looking them in the face and them replying “I just hate my life and I want to be healthy again.” It’s like he’s just not hearing it. He is shutting it right out. All of it, any of it.
I love him so much, and I don’t have the answers. I don’t have the medicine. I want it all to go away, for his sake. I can handle it. But Jerome, His positive energy and mindset is deteriorating everyday that he wakes up.
Does anybody have a cure ?