Personal

A letter To My Queen . .

Dear Blake,

Some people walk in and out of our lives without leaving a trace . Others leave a string of footprints woven within our hearts, letting us know they are with us everywhere we go and every step we take.

You, my friend. . have been stomping on my heart everyday for the past two months. You were there when I needed somebody the most. It wasn’t an easy day for me, but because of you I didn’t shed any tears, didn’t feel any pain, and I didn’t feel an ounce of stress. You came to me when I needed you. You were drawn to me and you didn’t give up no matter how hard I pushed everybody away during my hard times. Ever since this day, you’ve had me under this protective wing and you haven’t let go of me since.

During these past two months, my love for you grew stronger then I’d ever anticipated. You aren’t just a friend, you’re my soul sister. You give me hope, and you cheer me on even when everybody else is gone now. You’re my biggest supporter, my number one fan.

Thank you for being a true friend. Thank you for never giving up on me even on the hardest days. You push me to be a better woman for myself and for my future. I appreciate you more then I can put into words.

When I see you, whether its been a day or a week, my heart flutters with smiles. There’s something about you that makes me feel so full inside. It’s not just your pretty face or your beautiful voice, its who you are as a person. It’s the way you get excited to tell me things or the way you smile and glow when we finish each others sentences. Its the happiness in your eyes when we are mid-song singing our heart out to Lights Down Low and we both realize we’re not that different after all. When you hurt, I deteriorate . When you’re happy, i’m ecstatic. There is nothing more special then seeing the smile. . that god damn amazing grin when we click. It’s like our souls are snuggling in that moment. I could snuggle your soul forever.

You’re the bravest woman I have ever met. You don’t let anybody tear down what you have built for yourself and you know your own strength. I envy you. I adore the living shit out of you. It’s the way you sing to me . . no better yet it’s your rap skills that get me going. I’ve never wanted to share everything I do or everything that happens to me with somebody like I do with you, because we are one. When something good happens for me you are right there feeling the happiness for me , sharing my moment with me. When something hurts me , I know you are hurting too.

My love for you goes deeper then two months. Time meant nothing to me until I met you. I don’t want to miss a single chance to talk to you , or hear your voice or see your face. You’re not just my best friend, or my soul sister. You’re a better part of me. You bring out such an amazing side of me and I don’t know if I ever would’ve found it if our paths never crossed.

You’ve been my rock and I can’t believe it’s been such a short period of time. I can’t wait until the day i’m sitting in front of you, in your big white dress, helping you get ready to marry the man of your dreams. I can’t wait to meet the blessing you will one day bring into this world and raise to be as perfect as you. I can’t wait to be by your side through everything you need me to be, because I know you’ll be right by mine. As your bestfriend, I solemnly swear to never give up on you. I pinky promise I will never leave and that we will forever be soul sisters. I am going to support every decision you make in life whether I agree with it or not, because I know deep in your wonderful mind, you have your reasoning for doing the things you do.

I promise Morgan Blake Workman , I will never, ever walk out of your life.

 

Forever until the end .

 

Love, Your lil Nug .

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Misc. Thoughts

Me , myself & I … all over again .Β 

It wasn’t easy . It still isn’t . But I’m doing it , and There’s nothing that’s gonna stop me now . 

Within less then a months time I’ve managed to change my attitude about Every . Little . Thing 

I no longer get mad at the “little” things . I seem to wake up with a smile on my face and a cheerful energy to start the day . For some reason I’m starting to really enjoy myself and my own company . I have control over my own space .                         It’s really good that you know how to be comfortable being alone . Whether it’s late night or early morning , alone time is a gift . You can think all the thoughts you want, without being judged . You can say anything you want , without being heard . You can dance and be happy without being watched . I can gladly say I’ve reached this point . And that’s because I’m focusing extremely hard on Me , Myself and I . 

In life it’s important to realize that no matter who comes in your life and why , they will always have a purpose . Whether they were put in your life with intent to be temporary or to be your life long soul mate. The key thing to remember is that no matter who , nor why .. don’t ever forget about yourself . Don’t think just because somebody else comes into your life and turns it upside down with utter happiness , that you are doing okay. You ” guys” as a pair , may be doing okay . But what about ” you ” as an individual ? 

Did you remember to eat today ? Or were you to busy making sure someone else did? 

Did you do something for yourself today ? Something that YOU wanted to do . Not what somebody else wanted you to do ? 

Here’s Something to live by , no matter where life takes you , you’re always gonna be meeting new people and facing new challenges. The best part is that you have the control . You can change your life in a second . From Whose in it , to where you’ll spend your 80 degree day tomorrow. So why settle for meeting up with a friend who doesn’t care if you ate today , or how you’re doing , they only care about the fun time they’re going to have doing whatever it is that YOU probably had to plan for the two of you to do .  Instead , find people who want to know what happened as a child that made you hate shrimp . Or why you can’t stand the smell of coconut when in reality it’s because of an extremely shitty hang over that you will never forget no matter how hard you try  . 

People are replaceable . Some may be harder then others to cope with living without but if it’s worth being happy over , why not choose the temporary pain for the permanent effect ?  

No matter who , what , where , when or why . Always put your self and your own happiness first . Always. I did it and it’s changed my life for the better . 

I don’t have to worry about what other people are doing or how their actions are effecting me . I only have to worry about what I’m doing and where I’m going next . 

#independenceiskey #putyourselffirst

Jeromes Journey · Personal

My angelΒ 

Words.. it feels like I have nothing to say , but so much to say . 

I can’t even begin to explain the amount of pain my heart is in and the amount of tears I’ve cried in the past four days . 

He’s gone .. Jeromes journey has come to an unfortunate end . He will always be my man of steel , my super man .. but now he’s flying above me looking down . My baby .. so strong and to think he never quit fighting because of the strength we gave him . 

It’s so hard to fathom, I can’t do it . I can’t get a grip and I can’t seem to accept it . I think they call this denial . I’ve been through what feels like every stage of grief in the first day alone and now it’s day four and I finally come to write . 

I can’t believe it , just one week ago you and I were planning our wedding together .. and here I am now , planning your services . I have so many emotions running through my mind and my soul . 

My soul misses you , I cant wait to see you again , and let our souls be together forever like they were meant to be . You will always be my one and only true love . Nobody will ever have the power to take your place and frankly even if they tried I wouldn’t let them . I’m not sure I can even let anybody in anymore . I’m not sure I want to start over . How do I begin a new chapter in life without my favorite character ? This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do . Saying goodbye to you now , and missing you for the rest of my life .. it just isn’t fair . I will never stop loving you , and when we finally meet again I hope you know my love will just grow stronger . 

You  have made me into the woman I am today . You took away all my insecurities, nobody will ever make me feel bad about myself again because you’ll be right on my shoulder whispering sweet nothings and pillow talk to block them out from hurting my heart. You will always be my protector and my guardian angel . You’ve always been the man of my dreams and though once before you’ve given me a new reason to live , I have now found another . I want to live to make you proud , I want to be strong for you and I want to do right by you as I know you’ll never take your eyes off me . I’ll be the best dang character in your new chapter that you ever could’ve asked for ( I’ll even write the book for you too ) all you have to do is be worry free , pain free , and love endlessly and I will forever be grateful for your presence. 

I’ve never lost somebody I loved before . I’ve never gone through the pain I’ve seen others in many times before . I’ve been sad and cried a day or so for my loved ones loss but never for my own . 

You , my young hero , are 23 . I can’t believe you have actually fulfilled whatever it was you were set on this earth for in 23 years . I can’t believe you are always accomplishing things quick , and early . You are always making people proud and living up to all expectations, even gods . 

My loss , is gods gain . I trust god , I know he will forever keep you happy the way you needed me to keep a smile on your face . 

I’ve yet to say it , because I’m still in denial .. but for now I’ll say this , 

 I hope you’re taking the most comfiest nap in the clouds and I’ll be sure to be nagging in your ear sooner than you can blink twice . Just promise me you won’t get mad when I wake you up , because I will do it with love and I will do it in only the way you and I will understand what’s happening . I will never stop loving you , please don’t ever stop loving me , for I need you to love me so I can carry a fuller heart even with the emptiness I feel inside . 

I love you always my king and my king you will always be loved . 

Until we meet again 

07|28|93 – 06|16|17 

Sweet dreams my handsome husband β€οΈπŸ‘ΌπŸ½β˜οΈ

Uncategorized

It’s not until you’re older .

It’s not until you get older that you realize how important family is to you. It’s not until you’re crying after a long night of no sleep and stomach aches that you just want your mother there to make it all better. It’s not until you’re older that you realize everything your parents ever did was and is for you to have a better life. It’s dad calling to say ” I Miss you Stephanie, Please come home. ” That you start having mixed emotions about what the hell you’re doing.

One day, you’re going to wake up and ask yourself “who am I”? It’s a powerful question . Are you still the little girl your parents raised to be bright and follow her heart ? Are you still the teenager who never wanted to be home because your friends ruled the world? Or are you the woman your parents raised knowing “She’ll do just fine when the day comes that she’s on her own.”

What if i’m not .. You know .. fine?

What if i’m not even ” Just okay “?

Is it okay to fall apart and break down ? Does it mean you’ve lost grip of what you’re even doing anymore? Or does it simply mean , you’re officially an adult with responsibilities and you simply have no help in arms reach.

When I graduated , I wanted to go straight to college. Let’s just say life happened. I met someone ( the love of my life ) and I left the nest. From there, everything changed. My state of my mind , my responsibilities  , my strength . Everything . God knows this more than anyone , I do not regret the woman I have become. If my parents didn’t want me to leave, I had to. I have figured out who I am as a woman on my own. I have learned to fight battles I never thought i’d come across , and I wouldn’t let my mistakes or errors that I’ve made change the woman I am today.

 

 

I am hated by a lot of people in my life,  in my new “life” that I made for myself . Now more than ever is when I think back to elementary school , when my parents would say ” Bullies will be bullies, just stand up for yourself and don’t trust anyone. ” But , it was just grade school so nobody actually acted on the words.                                                                                         Then middle school came and the first day arrived and all I remember was being so tiny compared to the rest of the kids and I feared the sh*t out of my life. Of course the bullies found me there too. They would take my sweaters and things I loved but eventually I realized those things can be replaced.                                                                                          High school came and the bullies only got worse. They skipped right over the sweater stealing and name calling and they went straight for my face. 4 of them to be exact. I don’t know all the names, because it wasn’t anybody I actually knew. They could do that, because you know, its high school. Kids felt obligated to prove themselves to their friends there. Sometimes getting physical was how they did so half the time.

Finally. Came junior year, and eventually senior year . At this point I realized school isn’t all about friends, pep rally’s and coloring your face for football games. For me, it became almost a must for me to bond with my teachers. They were the only ones who really knew what I was going through without having to ask me, because once upon a time, they were a kid in school. Whether they were the bully or the innocent student who just wanted to get a passing grade and graduate, they’ve lived long enough to reach their goals, and not let their pasts stop them. Graduation day. It was the day I could finally prove myself to my family ” Hey, I’m not a failure “. I Could prove to the bullies ” Hey, I made it, and with a big thanks to you for pushing me to grow stronger .” I was especially proud to prove to myself of all people, that I can reach whatever goal I set out to reach whether it’s with or without friends. I didn’t need ” friends” at this point. I didn’t care for them anymore. I was so focused on being free and never being forced to be somewhere that I don’t feel as if I belong there.

And now I’m here… back in that feeling of life. Back in the mindset of high school, where I don’t want to look anybody in the face anymore because I know they don’t like me, and would love to spit in my face. Bullies don’t disappear, They grow with you . If I’ve learned anything being on my own its that I can only let myself be effected by the things I let destroy me. I came to realization, that there will still be girls who want your life, and people who want to see you fail. More than anything , for myself , my parents , and all of you ( you know , EXACTLY who you are ) I’ve pushed myself to set out to succeed. My new plan of life is to succeed for that growing ” I told you so ” feeling. Whether they want to sit and watch or reach their hands out to help me, I’m going to keep walking tall and keep the trust I have in my heart to do what I want and need to do. I won’t stop to get distracted by people who are only trying to stall me from my success, or sidetrack me into a broken trust-fall again, just so they can successfully watch me fail.. again.

My only question , for myself mostly.. is “Why do I feel so guilty“?                                            Everyday I wake up with an incredible amount of guilt in knots inside me. I can’t pinpoint it but I have a few factors I’ve tried to consider being the case.                

       Part of me feels guilty, for leaving my family without any notice. For drifting away from them and not giving them an explanation or a “why” as to why we don’t talk everyday anymore. It’s not that they don’t cross my mind everyday, because they do. All of them . Mom, Dad , Sis and the whole rest of the gang. All of you are on my mind and in my heart even if i’m not there to eat dinner with you every night.                                                                          Another piece of me feels guilty for myself. For multiple reasons which include mostly , how I’ve treated people in the past as far out to how I’m doing today and the amount of strength left in me.                                                                                                                          The final piece of me feels guilt specifically toward how I have treated my fiance. Everybody has emotions , right? Now imagine you are in your emotions, everyday . Mainly because you are lost and you feel like you’re back in high school, but regardless the reasons and excuses, the emotions are spilling out. Next imagine you fall in love. You fall in love with someone who at first seems to be a successful, caring and wonderful woman.. or so you thought. Finally, picture in your head that down the line, when things have hit rock bottom you realize she isn’t as strong as you wanted her to be. Or maybe she isn’t as successful as you wanted her to be, or even simply because  “She just isn’t her anymore”. I feel guilt because I’ve gone through a stage in my life, that everybody hits at one point or another and he, my fiance has had to deal with every emotion, every mistake and every lesson I’ve learned along the way. That includes my bad days, when I don’t act like myself anymore. Instead i’m acting like someone he’s never met, and definitely not the woman he asked to marry him on his death bed. I can’t take back the way I have treated him or the things he’s had to see from me, but if theres anything  I can do, it’s prevent him from ever seeing that woman again. As much as I can anyways.

At the end of the day, every person has their story. And unless they know your story, and I mean really , really know your story.. They will never understand the things you’ve done and the reasons for your mistakes. Not everybody will understand you, and that’s okay. Just say sorry when need be to the ones that don’t get it, but don’t waste your time explaining yourself to those who, just plain out could careless about you, your feelings, or your success.

 

// excerpt of my story 

one day I will tell it all //

 

 

If anything more then something i’m not .. here is a photo of me, before this unique chapter in my life even started . Here’s to the old me . Here’s to the ecstatic, humorous, selfless old me. Before I begin to better myself.. I will always hold this photo in memory of who I truly am. I promise to myself that no matter what happens, I will always be myself before I begin to think about whose judging me . I never cared before, so why start now?

 

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** P.S. Yes, I am a walking cheeseburger. **

 

 

Jeromes Journey

Two more!

IMG_0057Thats right. Add two more surgeries to my last post. With a total of four cranny surgeries so far this year my fiance is still battling his brain cancer. Unfortunately every time he gets a little closer to the remission process his tumor starts bleeding and causes more complications. Hopefully radiation will be started this week or early next week and we can finally start seeing progress. Things are hard now but we’ve been taking it one day at a time because tomorrow is always unpredictable.
Keep Praying & i’ll keep him fighting !

 

Jeromes Journey · Personal

It’s not easy, but I love you .

I Can’t sit here and pretend like nothing is the matter. I can’t sit here and mask my feelings when my mind is in a million places.

It’s not easy when the man that you love to death, would actually rather be dead.

It’s not easy dealing with his depression on top of your own.

& It’s definitely not easy to stay positive when everything in your life at the moment, is in fact negative.

Everyday is a challenge , the same challenge at that. It’s hearing him say ” I hate my life.” or “I just wish I could die and then you wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore.”

In no way is death an answer. Having a suicidal fiance can absolutely hurt your heart. Especially when all you want to do is make him better but you don’t have a magic wand.

One thing that really kills me is when he tells me ” You can leave if you want you don’t have to deal with this. You’re too good for me.” Or the infamous “I don’t want to hold you back from your life.” I don’t know how to make him understand that I truly love him and I am willing to be by his side to fight this until the very end. I don’t want any other life than one with him.

It’s not easy trying to fill someones head with positive thoughts and hope and looking them in the face and them replying “I just hate my life and I want to be healthy again.” It’s like he’s just not hearing it. He is shutting it right out. All of it, Β any of it.

I love him so much, and I don’t have the answers. I don’t have the medicine. I want it all to go away, for his sake. I can handle it. But Jerome, His positive energy and mindset is deteriorating everyday that he wakes up.

 

Does anybody have a cure ?

Anyone ?